General Mayhem!

Animal House, The Cycle Sluts From Hell, & Blood, Sweat and Beers!

I hate to interrupt the Sex Pistols tour saga again (which is near the end, although the story of “The Making of D.O.A.: A Rite of Passage,” will take some time to tell), but:

A good friend who was a great contributor to my work passed away, so please read what I have to say about the guy.

It’s not often that I’ve attended a memorial service like his. Held at the Mulligan Funeral Home in Harrison, New Jersey on January 21st, 2024, it was the first time I found myself in a room full of drunks honoring one of their own. I’ve never seen people drinking during a memorial service—before, during and after the priest was giving his blessing! But it’s what The General would have wanted. All of the memories people shared about the guy were about “That time we got drunk together and…” Of course there was an epic after-party afterwards where there more drinks and stories about what a fun drunk John Kelly was to drink with. Wow, was he ever a fun drunk!

I first met The General (aka “John Kelly,” he never wanted me to use his real name) in 1979. PUNK Magazine was falling apart: lawsuits, bad sales, suicides, inflation, etc. When someone called “Andre The Mad Chef” called the office, warning us that someone named The General was going to call in a few days, we didn’t pay much attention. Then he called again with the same warning. So when The General called a few days later and told us that their band was going to open a brand new nightclub called The Tropicana and his band The Commandos were going to appear, we decided to go out to New Jersey to check ‘em out. Spacely, Bruce Carleton, Patricia Ragan, and the whole PUNK party crew went out to see them, which was unusual. We rarely left the East Village back then.

Well, there was no “Tropicana Club.” It was a ruse, and a brilliant one: Just a teenage kid with an absolutely atrociously untalented band that performed a short set in The General’s attic at his family home in Kearny, New Jersey. Their band played one and a half songs before imploding and throwing their instruments down in disgust and walking off their “stage.” It was one of the most interesting performances I had ever witnessed! Totally punk rock! And his room was right out of a Bob Gruen “Teenage Bedroom” exhibition: Covered with photos from Creem, Circus, Rock Scene and (of course) PUNK magazine. So this was a source of inspiration for us as we struggled to keep the magazine alive.

Bob Gruen’s High School Bedroom:

https://www.artrabbit.com/events/teenage-bedroom-installation-by-bob-gruen

The General soon joined our cast of characters at PUNK Magazine as we were going out of business. He hung out with us at the Mudd Club, the Peppermint Lounge and other venues in the 1980s. Although he never wrote for PUNK Magazine, he did start writing for STOP! Magazine. After John Belushi died, he wrote an obituary: The General was so inspired by Belushi’s antics in the Animal House movie that we needed him to credit the world’s most famous party animal. Sadly, a Lester Bangs obituary appeared in the same issue: Gonzo was dead.

The General wrote a few more articles for STOP!, including a round-up of Saturday Morning Cartoons that he illustrated with a Mr. T caricature. (Who knew the guy could hand-letter and draw so well, right?)

Oddly enough, The General’s work with STOP! Magazine came in handy when I joined the staff of High Times magazine a few years later. The company, which was making millions of dollars annually in the late 1970s, was down to a skeletal staff by 1987 and barely able to stay in business. After new Editor-In-Chief Steven Hager took over the reins, he hired yours truly as Executive Editor. For the first issue I helped to edit we put together a “Wild Party Issue!”

Steve Hager was attempting to create a new cultural revolution: A reboot of the 1960s psychedelic scene. Sales were so bad for the magazine back then that any kind of trash could get published. (High Times was a cocaine magazine just a few years earlier, which was something we all stood against since “the crack cocaine epidemic” was a huge problem back then). This gave us the creative license to publish whatever we wanted to. The General contributed a few things to this issue, including an editorial inspired by the Beastie Boys’ “You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party!” And a photo comic on “How To Throw A Party.”

Our creative masterpiece was the “Cycle Sluts From Hell” story for the High Times magazine’s “April Fools” issue in April 1988. It was a parody of Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness” and other travel/adventure writing, but mostly a vehicle for Harvey Kurtzman/MAD Magazine style humor. The Cycle Sluts were a very entertaining heavy metal band from back in the day featuring several beautiful, sexy women, so doing a photo shoot with them turned out to be a lot of fun.

Cycle Sluts From Hell story:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_Sluts_from_Hell

The Cycle Sluts story was one of those magazine things that I was able to get published that broke a lot of rules when no one was looking that turned out to be kind of genius. The Cycle Sluts From Hell were a lot of fun to work with, especially Donna Lupie, who also managed the Aztec Lounge back in the day (which took over the Park Inn Tavern space, which STOP! Magazine used for launch parties and fun times back in the day). And The General was very professional: He took care of costumes and props. Being on time and being ready for photo shoots are a thing professionals expect. As it turned out, when you needed to depend on someone The General, who many people think was a fuck-up, always delivered the goods when everything was on the line.

The entire “April Fools” issue of High Times, with The General’s “Cycle Sluts” story as a cover line, was a total goof that somehow managed to get published. I would encourage everyone out there to find and buy a copy of it: the Publisher was horrified after it came out, and blamed its “poor sales” (which actually were very good). It’s always a good sign when the “business guys” hate what you’re doing! We were blue-skying about the future in that issue of High Times for the time when pot would be legal! And now it is. So suck it. Our small staff at High Times ended up winning the War On Drugs when we were able to tell the truth. Like they say: “Truth will set you free.” And we told the truth about cannabis back then and ended up winning The Great American Drug War.

In the 1990s, The General attended Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW) events with me at the Elk’s Lodge in Queens and the Bingo Hall in Philadelphia. Those were great times: Flaming barbed wire baseball bats, flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, Exploding Barbed Wire Tables, etc. Great humor, beautiful women like Francine, Kimona Wannalaya, and “Sunny” (who became the most downloaded woman when the internet was a new thing in the mid-1990s). Performers like The Sandman, a wrestler who always performed totally drunk and would smash beer cans into his head before every match, was a fan favorite. A little guy named Little Spike Dudley (aka LSD) used a finishing move called The Acid Drop against much bigger opponents (we knew pro wrestling was scripted by now, which added to the fun). Rob Van Dam was the stoner wrestler, partnering with tag team partner Sabu (nephew of The Original Sheik), to put on ridiculously amazing matches showcasing their athleticism.

ECW broke all the rules regarding drugs, sex, violence and anything else you can name. They were politically incorrect, wildly exciting and Super Crazy. One of their slogans was “BLOOD, SWEAT AND BEERS.” My involvement with ECW is one of my favorite experiences: Rob Van Dam is an amazing pro-cannabis voices, ECW was a lot of fun, and it kept me alive during the 1990s.

Francine:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francine_(wrestling)

Sunny (aka Tammy Lynn Sytch):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tammy_Lynn_Sytch

Kimona:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kristina_Laum

ECW’s most must-see matches:

https://www.wwe.com/classics/ecw/25-must-see-ecw-matches-list

“The General” (aka John Kelly) was also the inspiration and the biggest contribution to my work as an inspiration for my character Bosko, the definition of slapstick comedy (a difficult thing to describe in a comic strip or in print, but I tried). Bosko’s inspirations included Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and the Marx Brothers.

Yeah, The General and I both came from unusual homes, I think it’s why we got along so well for many years. So there was something “classic comedy” about The General. For instance, a lot of Charlie Chaplin’s early films were about drunks. It was a funny thing back then!

“Coming Home Drunk” Charlie Chaplin - One A.M. (1916)

I still think being a drunk can be funny. It’s not always tragic and horrible, which is how it is too often portrayed in the media lately. Most of my friends drink. It’s not a bad thing. Same with getting high on whatever. Alcohol can make us feel good, even for a moment or two, but aren’t those moments some of the best times of our lives? Same with other drugs. People should never be put in jail for enjoying life and having fun in my opinion. I always think politicians who support “The Drug War” and other crazy shit belong in jail, and not party people like us. And that is why I spent most of my life working at High Times magazine, trying to promote a Libertarian attitude towards drug and alcohol use. Adults should be able to do whatever they want to do, right?

On the other hand, yes, I know there is a dark side to drugs and alcohol. I always think as long as it’s fun, what’s the problem? I once received a Pot 40 quote when I worked at High Times that sums it up for me:

“God is looking at the world through your eyes. Are you showing Him a good time?”

Honestly: Are YOU having a good time? If not? Get help. If so? Keep having a good time. Ben Franklin is credited as saying “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” So who wants to argue with God? Let’s have fun while we can, life can be short and cruel. Drinking alcohol, smoking pot or whatever isn’t a sin nor should it be a crime. As long as you’re still enjoying whatever you are doing? Keep doing it. If not? Get help!

Anyway, this is my tribute to General Mayhem, the most fun drunk I have ever been privileged to get drunk with. It was always a good time hanging out with the guy, even when it wasn’t such a good time. And we’d laugh about it anyhow. Probably because we were getting drunk! And having so much fun.

My entire takeaway from losing my good friend John Kelly is: Please, whatever you do? Make sure you are having fun in your life. Make sure it is worth living. Be good to your friends and relatives. Just be a good person. This is what life is all about. So have fun and treat people right. This is what life should be about.